Huzzah! Off on a new journey. This one is being a writer. So to start let's kick-off with the intro to a world not so different from our own.

Vampire Lord of Kumeu 

I should have known something was wrong when I awoke. Normally Jeremy is there with the newspaper and an amusing anecdote. He'll mention something odd that happened in the world at large, recount some man bites dog story that the Herald would never cover or announce that today was Nikolai Tesla's birthday. This evening however there was no amusing witticism, no paper. No Jeremy.

 

It was a break in my routine. Routine is important to me. Without routines, I would be hopelessly adrift in my mind. I wouldn't know whether it was bum or breakfast time. Not that I eat breakfast or use a toilet of course. In fact, I don't think I've ever used a toilet in the sense that you understand them. I don't think it's severely inconvenienced me, just one of those little things that Jeremy should be telling me right now.

 

'Incidentally, Sir, are you aware that your mortal existence predates the modern flush toilet which was first produced in the '40s.' Jeremy might say, were he here. Which he wasn't. I try saying it myself, imitating his precise style. It makes me feel a little better. I remember that I should get up, but only after I have read the newspaper. But there is no newspaper, no Jeremey and I've had to tell myself my own anecdote.

 

I sat there for a while trying to work out what to do. I guess I could have got up and gone downstairs but in the forefront of my mind was what might happen if Jeremy came in while I was trying to find my robe and slippers. It would be awfully awkward. The phrase 'die of embarrassment' comes to mind. Not that I could die either, having already done that. It was just easier to wait for Jeremy to come in with the paper and amusingly mention why he was late like the other time when the Germans had bombed the Times and he had to get an edition of the Telegraph instead.

 

So I waited. I waited till eight. No Jeremy. I waited till nine. No Jeremy. I waited till ten. Still no Jeremy. I could have waited there all night, all the next day and for all time in nothing disturbed me. Waiting patiently is something I do well. It also calms me. Rushing about can get you destroyed. Never rush.

 

It was sometime after ten that I heard the crash. While a little worrying I decided that Jeremy could sort it out. I resumed waiting. Then there was another crash downstairs and another. What was Jeremy doing? Why was he not here? What was going on? I was almost about to get up when I heard a set of heavy footfalls on the stairs. Finally. I waited patiently.

 

It was therefore a shock as the door burst open. Jeremy looked rather dishevelled. His suit was torn and he was covered in grime. A large scar ran across his face, his mouth was missing several teeth and his left eye was a gory mess. What was worse was that he had no paper.

 

Jeremy moaned. It was a long drawn out growl. It looked like there wasn't going to be an amusing anecdote either. He shambled towards me. This was mainly because his left leg was twisted below the knee.

 

"Jeremy! What is the meaning of this." I said.

 

In response, Jeremy merely moaned again. He also was dripping on the carpet. Horrifying!

 

"This is intolerable. Jeremy. Fetch the paper. And clean yourself up."

 

Jeremy moaned and turned around, Hopefully, he was off to get the paper. It's the only good thing about zombies. It's very easy for a vampire to command them.